7:30 this morning i got up to work on some things. around noon i went back to the pile of blankets on my bedroom floor and took a nap.

my vivid dream starts out with me walking up to a garage sale that julio has organized. the day is feels incredibly calm, no wind or harsh light. the day is glowing and there’s a stillness or peace in the air that’s hard to put into words. no background noise of cars or people. maybe my dream is secretly taking place on a movie set. i look around at some of the childrens clothes that are folded. in an instant the front lawn sale disappears and is replaced with a very large table that is so long it distorts when i look to see who all is sitting at the other end. heather is sitting towards the middle of the table, i can see her perfectly but she’s out of touch. i walk up to the table specifically to see her but sit at the end where there’s an empty seat. she gives me a warm smile, she looks really happy and full of life. i figure i’ll hang out for a bit. everyone at the table is all of the folks we used to hang out with back when we were best friends. all of her kids are there as well. renee is sitting next to me and we’re catching up. every now and then i look around the table and heather and i catch short glances at each other. her acknowledgment feels really good. some time passes and i feel like it’s time for me to go. when i get up i feel really satisfied. i don’t see heather very often, once every blue moon so seeing her even though we didn’t talk had this huge sense of relief to it, like we were still connected even if it’s not like when we were young.

rushing back into my body i wake up.

my eyes open. the swell of relief that filled my real but dreaming body does a complete reverse. the swell of relief doesn’t deflate like balloon. it’s more like a detailed sandcastle that i had been building in my sleep turns into quicksand when i awake. the sinking feeling is like the floor dropping out from under me. i lay there, i don’t move. i’m not sure if i should feel my feelings or push it all away. i choose the latter.

i go downstairs and sit in front of my computer next to mark. 20 minutes pass and i stand up to make a smoothie. i get the blender out of the cabinet and my brain says. “tell mark your dream”. i turn to mark and start the story. i sound casual until i say heathers name. i pause, i can’t say thing. mark stands up. pretty much i just have to cry for a little while. mark silently hugs me. through my tears i recall that this last year or so i’ve been begging heather to get together with me. right before we moved back from arkansas this urgent feeling to get a hold of heather had started coming up. it’s such a complicated feeling. i don’t want to force a connection. i don’t want to pretend we’re the same people we were 18 years ago. i just want to sit beside you and i don’t know why. but i think i understand now.DSC_0120green

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